My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
