I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
