Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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