I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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