it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
