Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
