non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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