i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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