the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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