made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
