Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
