one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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