i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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