I seem to have left my pride at pride
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize