if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
