he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
