The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
