my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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