i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if only i could text you this smell
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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