apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
