He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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