Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
