I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
