Grow some girl-balls and come out already
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
