before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
