3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
