weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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