you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
