What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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