My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize