I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
