is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
