We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
