The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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