i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Come share oat with me in your robe
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
