Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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