did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
