drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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