If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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