1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My bed smells like the plague
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
