i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize