My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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