It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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