The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
