I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
