I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
