I'm eating all of the evidence.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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