I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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