What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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