MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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