I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
