i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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