god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We have started to decorate penises.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
