When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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