we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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