he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
