Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
