I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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