i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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