Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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