I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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